Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
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