Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
