You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
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