he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
