how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
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eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
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Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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