I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
