sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
