It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
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