My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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