Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Mom said you looked used
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
