I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
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