dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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