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Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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