You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
