You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
