Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
