It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
