nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
