My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
