not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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