seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
