mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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