I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Randomize
