I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
