He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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