i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Randomize
