just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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