We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
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