i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
