Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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