Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
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