So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Randomize
