I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
