now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
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