She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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