I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
