Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
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