i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
