I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
