i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
