I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
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I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
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Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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