and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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