Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
