Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
