Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
