I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I got inside last night via doggy door
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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