Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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