Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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