hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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