I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
True strength comes from lack of pants
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...