you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
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