Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Randomize
