GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
