Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Randomize
