Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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