i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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