I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
