i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
