i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
