party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
