Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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