Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
