i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.