Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Floor bacon is actually really good
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
